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‘Het was zelfmoord of ayahuasca’

‘In the past I used to be very depressed. I had been seeing different psychologists for my autism and ADHD since I was three years old, but no one was able to break my shield. By the time I was twenty-one, I was seriously unhappy. I just couldn’t find my place in the world of ‘normal’ human beings, no matter how hard I tried to belong: I hated myself. I wanted to commit suicide. In this dark phase of my life, late 2015, I first heard of ayahuasca, a strong psychedelic that shamans from the Amazon use for gaining new insights. I thought: I’m just going to try it and if it doesn’t have an effect on me, it’s game over. It was either ayahuasca or suicide. 

On my first ayahuasca trip I instantly got to view my life from a different perspective. A perspective in which self-hate, which filled me up at the time, was not a logical feeling. Self-love, on the other hand, felt very logical, and I was suddenly capable of substituting my self-hate with that new feeling. I began to see how much fun my life could be if only I started to love myself more. So much more fun, in fact, that I wasn’t able to understand the extent of it while being depressed. That gave me a lot of hope.

Under supervision I started taking ayahuasca more often and every single time I was able to change my feelings of self-hate into self-love; even when I was sober. Two years and eleven months after my first trip, on June 26th, 2019, I completely recovered from my depression. An essential contribution to my recovery was psilohuasca: a combination of mushrooms and an MAO inhibitor, which prevents serotonin (often described as a ‘happy hormone’) and such from breaking down in the brain. During my trip, a sense of a godly light came over me and filled my body. It felt like a very physical substance and my reaction to it was very physical; it felt as if my body was suddenly filled with hope. There was no more room for depression. And it disappeared, just like that. I know it sounds ridiculous, but this was my experience.

Since then, I’m better at understanding things. I can concentrate better. I’m more creative and social. Happier. My brains simply seem to be working better. People around me and from my school and internship have given me compliments on how much I have grown. I love telling them: ayahuasca was my best therapist.

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